Friday, 21 September 2012

Still on a Learning curve - - -

- - though I am still participating in Shimelle's class this year  I have discovered that this years learning is a little too sensitive to share this time. All my thoughts have gone into a very personal notebook which will probably never be shared with anyone. I am truly grateful for the prompts - but this year much of what I have written is too heartfelt to be anywhere in the public domain, and so stays only in my notebook.
I can say I am moving forward and not back - though the movement is infantismal at times - (is that the right word??) very tiny movements forward anyway - almost un-noticeable to anyone other than me perhaps.
Grief is proving to be a strange bedfellow as they say - - and I have come to the conclusion that the Victorians had an understanding of loss that modern society seems to have forgotten - grief cannot be hurried, I understand the need they had to wear black ( it is an armour, a protection almost) and to me feels like I am putting on my courage to face the world - and so I can cope with many things in my working life that, at present, seem trivial and of little importance. Yet I know life goes on - and as a family we are really trying to learn to live with our loss. I keep hoping that Time will really prove to be the Great Healer it is promised to be - not for myself particularly - but for my daughters- they are so young to have to deal with this emptiness in their lives - yet I know they are doing their best to keep moving forward.

So - todays lesson seems to be -- Use the things that help, even if they do seem outdated.

Thank you so much for stopping by - I am very aware if all those positive thoughts, prayers and love you send - and they have a value that is priceless - and means so very much to me.

Til later

Bannaghtyn, J xx

Monday, 3 September 2012

Moving forward - -

- - a particularly significant prompt for me today - and also a very difficult one. I am not sure sometimes just HOW to keep moving forward but know that I must or this loss I am living with will destroy not only the rest of my life - but that of my dearest and our girls. I returned to work today - so that was a step forward I guess. Sadly I felt as if I was in a parallel world - there - but not involved - and  I find I no longer care very much about all the waffle and twaddle that seems so important to management - it felt all rather meaningless for me - - and as a result my hard won equilibrium is very fragile tonight, yet I know I must go back again tomorrow.
Maybe it will get easier - I hope it does - at least enough to get me through until half term anyway. Only one way for me to find out though - isn't there? I have tried hard to be strong - and not fall apart around colleagues - and in that I think I suceeded, even though I felt as if I was on automatic pilot - however I have only managed half a day as I left at noon.
So - what have I learned today?  I think that todays learning for me comes down to this -

"Baby steps are all I can manage - and that is good enough"

Thanks for dropping in,
'Til later

Bannaghtyn J x

Saturday, 1 September 2012

September 1st - -

- - and that means the start of Shimelle's Learn Something New Every Day class is just about to begin. I have participated in this class since the beginning - but suspect that this year's Learning might be slightly different to previous years. I know I will be looking forward to the prompts - I wonder if any of you are also going to be my classmates?


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